Thoughts of Something or Other

So first my stepmom goes out with her friend. Which is fine! She doesn’t go out much so she deserves it! But then they both come back here because Cindy’s too tipsy to drive back to her place, and they’re sitting around talking, and then they pull me into their conversation. Cindy wants to hear all about my time at school. I don’t like talking about that to adults though because IT IS NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS. I don’t want to be answering questions about what I do for fun or where I hang out or anything, especially if I only see you once or twice in a year! Plus every time I start talking around my stepmom she winds up making the exact same comments about “make sure you’re careful” and etc. Yeah, because I’m suddenly a party animal. -_-

And then on Saturday, we were supposed to go to a birthday party and a choir picnic thing (my stepmom’s in the church choir and it was a family picnic). I really don’t want to spend one of my days to myself doing this because I’m not going to know anyone at these places and they’re mostly going to be older conservative types or their indoctrinated families.

But I’m prepared to go and be all smile-y and polite except OH WAIT NO. Stepmom’s hungover and “too tired” to go. GEE IT’S SO RESPONSIBLE OF YOU TO HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED AND MAKE A BIG FUSS ABOUT MAKING MY DAD AND I PROMISE TO GO WITH YOU AND THEN NOT GO JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE HUNGOVER.

So Saturday was just kinda blah because I wasn’t sure if she’d be good for the picnic or not so I didn’t want to get involved in anything even though it would’ve been perfect for a livestream but oh well.

And then today hits. Oh dear me, today.

So I’m getting ready to start my livestream when all of a sudden it’s “oh hey we’re going to get brunch and then go to Lowe’s to get some seeds for the garden.” IT IS THE END OF MAY. IT IS WAY TOO LATE TO PLANT ANYTHING EXCEPT MAYBE TOMATOES. But we go and get the stuff and then come home. While my stepmom and I carry the stuff in my dad goes to run some drain cleaner through the washing machine (it’s been backed up) and to clear his laundry out of the dryer. We get done bringing stuff in, I go downstairs to see him sitting in his chair and the washer already pulled out. So I ask if he’s gotten his stuff out of the dryer.

“No why would I have I’ve only been in here for a minute geez.” And then he started going off about people constantly nagging him and no one had been saying anything so idk what’s up with that? And then, EVEN THOUGH IT’S 90 FUCKING DEGREES OUT, stepmom decides to go and weed the garden so she can plant tomorrow. IN A BLACK OUTFIT. So parentals get into an argument over that.

But that gets sorted out, I settle down to get to streaming, and it turns out oh HEY there’s a cookout later at my aunt and uncle’s aren’t you glad we told you? Also, “clean the fucking litter boxes right now they need to get done” (dad). Um I’m sorry that I wanted a bit of time to myself?????????????

So I do that, dad goes out on his motorcycle, I get through my stream (in bits and pieces because stepmom keeps coming to try and start a convo with me NO LEAVE ME ALONE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING I HAVE THE VOLUME UP AND THE DOOR CLOSED LEAVE ME IN PEACE).

And then all of a sudden we get a phonecall from my dad, already over at my uncle’s.

“Hey we don’t need to bring any food but grab the big fan from the back porch and bring it over.”
I go to look, there’s only one fan out there. “The tall one?”
“No, that’s a fucking heater, the fucking fan- if you aren’t fucking smart enough to see it, then never fucking mind.” And he hung up and I was trying not to cry because that was not fucking warranted.

And then stepmom manages to find the fan my dad meant… in the downstairs shower stall that we use for storage because it doesn’t work. NOT on the back porch.

So we head over to my aunt and uncle’s, and my dad does apologize which is good. Then stepmom and I go inside because it’s too fucking hot out even with the fan set up in the garage. We sit inside and start talking with my aunt and grandma and all the other womenfolk because that’s the thing to do I guess.

And my dad’s going on week 3 of Atkins so he should be introducing some carbs back in and there’s plenty of food at this cookout! My other uncle made a nice beef brisket, but apparently my dad can’t have that because there was some bbq sauce put on it to keep the skin from burning while it cooked. My dad knew the food that would be here, but instead of getting something beforehand, what does he do? He waits until everyone else is eating what’s at the cookout then takes off for the grocery store to get himself something and goes home and eats it then comes back like forty minutes later. THE FUCK. RUDE.

And then we’re all sitting down and eating and one of the neighbors who isn’t at the cookout because he had other plans had brought over some homemade bbq sauce earlier in the day. Now, this neighbor is going through a divorce and the rumor mill is that it’s because he’s gay. So what do I get to hear?

Female cousin 1: I’m not eating that, because [neighbor] made it and he’s gay.
Uncle 1: Yep, that’s  homemade sauce, flavor h-o-m-o.

Uncle 1: What I don’t get is why they want marriages. They should be fine with a civil union! Marriage is a sacrament, and any church that does that for gays isn’t a real church.

UM EXCUSE ME. I wanted to start in on how civil unions don’t afford the same rights as a marriage, and it’s a thing about LEGAL marriages, NOT RELIGIOUS. Except I look next to me and my stepmom, WHO KNOWS I AM BI AND SUPPOSEDLY SUPPORTS ME, is sitting there and nodding her head. THE FUCK.

And then we’re in the sitting room and what’s the next topic of conversation? TRAYVON MARTIN.

I don’t remember exactly who said what but:

“Yeah but who wears a hoodie in 100 degree weather?”

“Zimmerman didn’t know he lived in that neighborhood.”

“He looked like a thug, he was treated like a thug.”

“I was watching some commentary on the Today Show, and why do these black people always have to make it about race?”

 AND THEN my stepmom mentions some “made-for-blacks” mcdonald’s site and continues on

You don’t see one just for Hispanics or Asians do you? They’re excluding a whole bunch of people! Not to mention whites!

UM. (I know nothing about this site and it might be exploitative instead of legit but still:) THAT IS THE POINT. THERE IS SO MUCH WHITENESS IN GENERAL SOCIETY THAT THEY NEED TO CREATE THEIR OWN SPACES.

And then my stepmom has my transcripts because apparently those determine my student loan rates so she’s seen the classes I’m taking next semester.

“Yeah I see you’re taking some ‘feminism’ class…. I used to be a feminist, but now I’m anti-feminist, because you know what? I’d rather stay home and clean and take care of the kids, instead of doing all of that and work!”

urgh NO. NONONONO. WOMEN STILL MAKE 70 CENTS TO A MAN’S DOLLAR. AND TRUE FEMINISM IS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO DO EITHER OR BOTH IF YOU WANT TO/ARE ABLE TO. NOT JUST BEING IN THE WORKING SPHERE. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

and then i felt so guilty because i couldn’t actually voice any of this because i didn’t want to start a scene

and i just

i still constantly feel afraid whenever my dad raises his voice at all from spring break

and i shouldn’t because he’s had dozens, hundreds of episodes without reaching that point but now i’m afraid because i won’t be supported in trying to find help

and i was actually mad today. I DON’T GET THAT. I get irritated, frustrated, upset, but i don’t actually feel anger and that scares me so much because i have no idea how to deal with it.

and then i was getting mad at myself because i constantly shut myself up and i know i shouldn’t do that because it’s bad and me buying into that what i have to say is lesser but dammit i just don’t want to cause a scene even though they’re all WRONG AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON

urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**headdesk**

dammit i just wish i could go to a friend’s house and cuddle and watch a movie or something